Menorah

[Breaking News...]

Cranbury, NJ - Joy turned to sadness last night in bucolic Cranbury, NJ as the Main Street holiday display burst into flames, burning down Memorial Park and the Fire Department complex. Apparently, in an effort to improve the aesthetics of Cranbury's newest addition to the holiday display- the controversial Menorah- local residents replaced the electric candle bulbs on the Menorah with actual burning torches.

According to Cranbury Fire Chief Michael Kervan, "It appears the Menorah was placed too close to the dried out Christmas tree and the onset of high winds caused the tree to go up like a tinderbox. Because the holiday display is adjacent to the fire house, Cranbury's Fire Department could not get past the flames to reach their equipment and neighboring Fire Departments had to be called in the drench the blaze."

Township Committeeman Jay Taylor lamented "It's kind of embarrassing to have the fire house burn down. But by the time we knew what was happening the flames had engulfed the fire house. Now its all ruined, and we just spent all that money upgrading the doors and buying new equipment." Then he added "Thank God no one was hurt."

Police Chief Rickey Varga stated "The fire is under investigation. Due to the controversy surrounding the Menorah, we have a pool of suspects we need to interview. I am confident we're going to find out who did this."

Speaking on behalf of the historical society, Betty Wagner exclaimed "There were no Menorahs in Cranbury when David Brainerd was alive. We warned the Town Council that violating our town's history could have dire consequences. However, I can tell you we were not responsible. Setting the Menorah on fire was voted down 3-2 at our last committee meeting. "

Richard Callan, self-appointed voice of Cranbury's Jewish community commented "Everybody always wants to blame the Jews, but it wasn't us! Every Jew knows the candles aren't even supposed to be lit, yet." He then went on speaking for another 20 minutes.

Although the culprit remains a mystery, a source at the Cranbury Police Department speaking on condition of anonymity indicated that they are investigating a hot lead. Apparently, the firestarter may have sent an apology note to town hall. According to sources, the note said "I'm sorry. I thought the blue lights of the Christmas tree were filled with water that would put the fire out".

Keep checking back for updates on this developing story.

-Saucy Stringer

[next]

But the good news is we can now use the lot to build a massive new home or two. We didn't really need the fire house anyway.

[Where are you?]

[Frayed Knot]